DARK HELMET: WHAT?? You went over my HELMET?
RADAR TECH: I'm having trouble with the radar sir.
DARK HELMET: What's wrong with it?
RADAR TECH: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
DARK HELMET: The what?
RADAR TECH: The what?
DARK HELMET: And the what?
RADAR TECH: You know, the bleeps [makes bleep noise], the sweeps [sweep noise] and the creeps [creep noise].
DARK HELMET: That's not all he's lost!
COL. SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, sir.
DARK HELMET: I know that. What's his name?
COL. SANDURZ: That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
DARK HELMET: And his cousin?
COL. SANDURZ: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunners mate first class Philip Asshole.
DARK HELMET: How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?
ALL CREW: Yo!!
DARK HELMET: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes!
COL. SANDURZ: Prepare the ship for light speed.
DARK HELMET: No. No. No. Light speed is too slow. .... We're going to have to go right to .. LUDICROUS speed.
COL. SANDURZ: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it.
DARK HELMET: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN???
[Upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
DARK HELMET: What have I done??? My brains are going into my feet!!
DARK HELMET: My brains... are going into my feet!
DARK HELMET: Let's get moving.
COL. SANDURZ: Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
DARK HELMET: What are you preparing?! You're always preparing! Just go!
COL. SANDURZ: Sir, you better buckle up!
DARK HELMET: Ah, buckle this!
DARK HELMET: Yogurt!! Yogurt!! I hate yogurt .. even with strawberries!
[playing with his dolls]
DARK HELMET: So Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you. The way I want to. ....
[
In female voice] No, no, please leave me alone. ... I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone. Yet, I find you strangely attractive.
[
DH voice] Of course you do! Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have BOTH, and you
KNOW it!
[
female voice] No, no, leave me alone!
[
DH voice] No, kiss me!
[
female voice] No!
[
DH voice] Yes, yes!
[
female voice] Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your helmet is SO big!
COL. SANDURZ: Lord Helmet!
DARK HELMET: What?!
COL. SANDURZ: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
DARK HELMET: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
COL. SANDURZ: Yes, sir.
DARK HELMET: Did you see anything?!
COL. SANDURZ: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
DARK HELMET: [Dr.] Slotkin ... We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your puts.
DARK HELMET: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
LONE STARR: What?
DARK HELMET: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
LONE STARR: What's that make us?
DARK HELMET: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
DARK HELMET: If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight.
[Lone Starr and Helmet holding their light sabres at crotch level]
DARK HELMET: You have the ring and I see that your schwarz is as BIG as mine. Now let's see how well you HANDLE it.
DARK HELMET: SHIT!! I hate it when I get my schwarz TWISTED!
DARK HELMET: So, Lone Starr, now you see that
evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
DARK HELMET: Say good-bye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.
DARK HELMET: Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works!
[nurse exits]
DARK HELMET: Ooh, I bet she gives GREAT helmet.
Lone Starr
LONE STARR: Uh oh. Here comes the Bad Year Blimp!
LONE STARR: Buckle up back there. We're going into ... HYPERACTIVE.
LONE STARR: On this ship you're to refer to me as 'idiot,' not 'you captain'!
PRINCESS VESPA: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids!
LONE STARR: Oh great. That's all we needed. A DRUISH Princess.
BARF: I know we need the money, but...
LONE STARR: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!
[the dinks rescuing Lone Starr]
LONE STARR: Agh. Thank you.
DINKS: D-D-Dink dink.
LONE STARR: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
LONE STARR: So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time, for the last time.
GUARD: What the hell are you doing?
LONE STARR: The Vulcan neck pinch?
GUARD: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
LONE STARR: Like this?
GUARD: Yeah!
[Guard falls to the ground]
LONE STARR: Thanks!
President Skroob
PRESIDENT SKROOB: All right, I'll take a shot at it [beaming]. What the hell it works on Star Trek.
[after being beamed and having his head turned backwards]
PRESIDENT SKROOB: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
KING ROLAND: One.
DARK HELMET: One.
COL SANDURZ: One.
KING ROLAND: Two.
DARK HELMET: Two.
COL SANDURZ: Two.
KING ROLAND: Three.
DARK HELMET: Three.
COL SANDURZ: Three.
KING ROLAND: Four.
DARK HELMET: Four.
COL SANDURZ: Four.
KING ROLAND: Five.
DARK HELMET: Five.
COL SANDURZ: Five.
DARK HELMET: So the combination is 1,2,3,4,5 ... That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
PRESIDENT SKROOB: .... 1,2,3,4,5. That's amazing I've got the same combination on my luggage.
PRESIDENT SKROOB: Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
Yogurt
VESPA: Yogurt the Wise!
DOT MATRIX: Yogurt the All-Powerful!
BARF: Yogurt the Magnificent!
YOGURT: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain yogurt.
YOGURT: Never underestimate the power of the Schwarz.
YOGURT: May the Schwarz be with you.
YOGURT: Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made.
YOGURT: Spaceballs ... the Flamethrower! The kids love this one!
LONE STARR: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
YOGURT: Who knows? God willing, will meet again in Spaceballs 2, The Search For More Money.