Once upon a time warp. . . .
In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . Spaceballs.
The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere,
have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.
Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .
SPACEBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is a bumper sticker that says, WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.
Colonel Sandurz.
You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
So.
Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.
You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Thanks, sir.
Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.
VOICE (O.S.) MAKE WAY FOR DARK HELMET.
All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
A door opens revealing Dark Helmet, he resembles Darth Vader, walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the mask down.
I can't breathe in this thing.
We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately.
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)
Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at Rico's crotch)
GUARDS. Take him away.
I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?
Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.
Dark Helmet and Col Sandurz walk to the radar screen. Dark Helmet stops in front of the coffee maker.
Very good, sir.
What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.
No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?
Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Of course I do, sir.
Everybody knows that.
Of course we do, sir.
Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Right here, sir.
Switch to teleview.
RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Druidia.
There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.
We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married?
Within the hour, sir.
Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.
Col Sandurz hits his back. Dark Helmet spits out coffee and his mask falls down.
Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow, Bingo."
INT. CHAPLE - DAY
The Usher is fixing something on King Roland's outfit. Princess Vespa is pacing.
ROLAND
Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready?
USHER
Yes, your majesty.
VESPA
No! Where's my droid of honor?
USHER
Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix? Oh, thank god. Where've you been?
DOT
Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
USHER
All right, people. It's magic time.
ROLAND
All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)
VESPA
Daddy that's your right foot.
ROLAND
It's too late. Keep going.
They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."
VESPA(stops)
Daddy.
Organ player stops.
VESPA
Must I go through with this.
ROLAND
I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.
They start walking again. The organ starts up again.
VESPA(stops)
But, daddy.
Organ stops again.
VESPA
I don't love him.
ROLAND
I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.
VALIUM(yawns)
They reach the altar.
MINISTER
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland....
VESPA starts running toward the door, while Dot is dragging behind.
MINISTER
....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and out the door.
ROLAND
Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY
VESPA and DOT come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway car.
DOT
Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?
They get to the car. VESPA opens the door.
DOT
What are you doing?
VESPA(starts to get in the getaway car)
No questions, Dot. Get in.
Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else comes out of the chapel.
ROLAND
What is she doing? Where is she going?
The car takes off toward space.
VALIUM
Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. BARF is eating ice cream and dancing to music. BARF is a mog. He's half man, half dog. LONE STARR is at the wheel, asleep. LONE STARR is drunk. He is a normal human. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing.
LONE STARR(wakes up)
Barf. Barf. Barf!
BARF
Huh?
LONE STARR (O.S)
Barf!
BARF
Always when I'm eating.
BARF puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Milkbones.
LONE STARR
Barf!
BARF
What can I do you for, boss?
LONE STARR
Where ya been?
BARF
Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Milkbone to Lone Starr)
LONE STARR
No!
BARF
C'mon. A little hair of the dog.
LONE STARR
Answer that for me. Will ya?
BARF
Ah, sure. (hits Lone Starr with his tail)
LONE STARR
Will you watch that thing?
BARF
Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see ya. (hits the video switch) Yello.
VINNIE appears on the screen. VINNIE is a half robot, half man.
VINNIE
Hello, Lone Starr.
BARF
Sorry, wrong switch.
LONE STARR
Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?
VINNIE
No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants.
BARF & LONE STARR
Pizza the Hut.
PIZZA THE HUT is half man, half pizza.
PIZZA
Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side kick, Puke.
BARF
That's Barf.
PIZZA
Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
LONE STARR
Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
PIZZA
No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
LONE STARR
A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?
PIZZA
A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR
A million? That's unfair.
PIZZA
Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but you gonna pay it, or else.
BARF
Or else what?
PIZZA
Tell 'em, Vinnie.
VINNIE
Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
VINNIE & PIZZA(laughs)
*****++++++huh missed somethins+++++*****
VINNIE
takes a lick off of Pizza.
VINNIE
Mmmm. You're delicious.
PIZZA
Chow, boys.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE
VESPA is listening to music in headphones.
DOT
Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years.
VESPA
can't hear her.
DOT
Will you turn that thing off.
VESPA
What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?
DOT
I was saying, do realize what you've done.
VESPA
Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on)
DOT
I wonder if she's glad.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT
SKROOB is talking to someone on the phone.
SKROOB
Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead.
He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts breathing the air.
COMMANDERETTE(appears on the wall)
President Skroob.
SKROOB(throws can behind him and closes the drawer)
Yes.
COMMANDERETTE
This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette Zarican speaking, sir.
SKROOB
Yes, what is it Commanderette?
COMMANDERETTE
Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.
SKROOB
Good, good.
COMMANDERETTE
We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.
SKROOB
I'll be down immediately.
COMMANDERETTE
Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
SKROOB
I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
COMMANDERETTE
Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
SKROOB
All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod)
COMMANDERETTE
Snotty, beam him down.
SNOTTY(O.S.)
Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
SKROOB beams out of his office.
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT
SKROOB reappears. His head is on backwards.
VOICE (O.S.)
Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?
COMMANDERETTE
It's on backwards.
SKROOB
This is terrible. Do something.
SNOTTY
I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter malfunction.
SKROOB
(lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me ass was so big.
Everyone else looks and snickers.
SNOTTY
Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking system.
SKROOB scratches his leg.
SNOTTY
(flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.
SKROOB
beams out.
INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT
SKROOB reappears, back to normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE
Are you all right, Mr. President.
SKROOB
Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
COMMANDERETTE
We'll beam you back, sir.
SKROOB
Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk. (walks through the door)
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob, Salute.
ALL(salute)
Hail Skroob!
SKROOB salutes.
CHARLENE & MARLENE
Hello, President Skroob.
SKROOB
Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.
MARLENE
I'm Marlene.
SKROOB
Hello, Marlene.
CHARLENE
I'm Charlene.
SKROOB
Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.
COMMANDERETTE
Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute.
SKROOB
Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.
>
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET are standing in the front.
COL SANDURZ
Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.
Guns start firing.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE
VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is shaking.
VESPA
What's going on?
DOT
It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.
VESPA
Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up phone)
DOT
What you doing?
VESPA
I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
DARK HELMET(lifts up mask)
Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.
GUNNER(lifts up eye guard)
Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my best.
DARK HELMET
Who made that man a gunner?
MAJOR
I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)
DARK HELMET
Who is he?
COL SANDURZ
He's an Asshole, sir.
DARK HELMET
I know that. What's his name?
COL SANDURZ
That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
DARK HELMET
And his cousin?
COL SANDURZ
He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole.
DARK HELMET
How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
All, but few, stand up.
ALL
Yo!
DARK HELMET
I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep firing, Assholes.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR
VESPA is on the phone.VESPAHurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm so scared.
>
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
ROLAND'S VOICE
King ROLAND to Lone Starr. King ROLAND to Lone Starr. Are you there?
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR and BARF are talking to ROLAND on the phone.
ROLAND
Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs.
LONE STARR
Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
BARF
Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.
ROLAND
Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll give anything. Did you her me? Anything.
BARFAnything?
ROLAND
Yes! Anything!
LONE STARR
Okay, we'll do it for a million.
ROLAND
A million?
BARF
Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.
ROLAND
All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
LONE STARR
All right, King, you just made a deal.
BARF
One princess for one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR
What's she drivin'?
ROLAND
A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
LONE STARR
We get the idea. Where was she last seen.
ROLAND
She was just passing Jupiter 2.
LONE STARR
We'll find her.
ROLAND
Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the car. (disappears off T.V.)
BARF
One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut.
LONE STARR
Gimmie paw.
LONE STARR & BARF(howl like a dog)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at Vespa's car.
VESPA
What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving.
DOT
Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR
Look, there's our princess. She's got company.
BARF
Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the reverse switch)
LONE STARR
(stops him) Barf. No. Bad.
BARF
Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...
LONE STARR
Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!
BARF
Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they're spot us on their radar.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh.
BARF
Uh-huh.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh.
BARF
Uh-huh.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
BARF
Ah, ha! You're right.
LONE STARR
Down scope.
BARF
Down scope.
The scope comes down. BARF looks through the scope and focuses on the radar.
BARF
Radar, about to be jammed.
Jam comes flying and crashes the radar.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE The radar is screwing up. The RADAR TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the problem.
RADAR TECH.
(he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)
COL SANDURZ
What is it?
RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone)
Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.
COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET (walk over to him)
COL SANDURZ
Well.
RADAR TECH. (in microphone)
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
COL SANDURZ
You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice)
I'm having trouble with radar, sir.
DARK HELMET (rips out the microphone-mask up)
Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH.
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
DARK HELMET
What's wrong with it?
RADAR TECH.
I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
DARK HELMET
The what?
COL SANDURZ
The what?
DARK HELMET
And the what?
RADAR TECH.
You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps, (makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds)
DARK HELMET
(to Sandurz) That's not he's lost.
RADAR TECH.
Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be....
Jam starts dripping down the screen.
RADAR TECH.
....jammed.
DARK HELMET
Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lone Starr!
CAMERA hits DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET falls backwards.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Eagle 5 comes in on top of Vespa's car. There's a thump on the car.
VESPA
What was that?
BARF knocks on the door.
DOT
Nevermind that. What was that?
The roof opens revealing BARF smiling.
VESPA & DOT
Ah.
BARF
Hi.
VESPA
Who are you?
BARF
Barf.
DOT
Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
BARF
Na, that's my name. Barf.
VESPA
Barf? What are you?
BARF
I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
VESPA
What do you want?
BARF
Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save ya. C'mon, we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.
DOT
Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.
BARF
Mog. I'm a mog.
VESPA
Wait. What about my matched luggage?
BARF
starts whimpering.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER - SPACE
VESPA is climbing up, followed by DOT, then BARF with a load of luggage.
DOT
Hey. Stop looking up my can.
BARF
Sorry.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR looks back at BARF. BARF still has a load of luggage on him.
LONE STARR
Checking in? What the hell is all that?
BARF(with strap in mouth)
It's her royal highness's matched luggage.
LONE STARR(O.S.)
What?
BARF(takes strap out of mouth)
Her royal highness's matched luggage.
LONE STARR
Matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is....
BARF hits him with tail.
LONE STARR
....a princess cruise.
BARF
Well, she wouldn't go without it.
LONE STARR
Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)
BARF hits him again.
LONE STARR(in microphone)
Now hear this, as soon as we get outta hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
DOT
What was that?
VESPA(turns on intercom)
Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
LONE STARR(in microphone)
Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart.
VESPA
Sweetheart?
DOT
Uh-oh.
VESPA
How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
LONE STARR
Oh. That's all we needed, a Drewish princess.
BARF
Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE Vespa's car is coming through the floor.
COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET
come in.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. GUARD cocks weapon.
DARK HELMET
Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
GUARD
Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.
DARK HELMET(looks at him)
So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.
DARK HELMET opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.
DARK HELMET(mask up)
She's not in there.
ALL drop guns and cover their crotch.
VOICE (O.S.)
Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago.
DARK HELMET
Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr!
DARK HELMET bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
Spaceball 1 is coming on the radar.
LONE STARR
Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad year blimp.
BARF
We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
LONE STARR
Switch to secret hyperjets.
BARF
Switching to secret hyperjets.
LONE STARR(in microphone)
Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are standing in front. EAGLE 5 is in front of them.
COL SANDURZ
We're closing in on them, sir. In less than minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Good. Prepare to attack.
COL SANDURZ
Prepare to attack.
DARK HELMET
On the count of three. One, two....
Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive.
DARK HELMET
Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened? Where are they?
COL SANDURZ
I don't know, sir. They must have hyperjets on that thing.
DARK HELMET
And what have we got on this thing a quezinart.
COL SANDURZ
No, sir.
DARK HELMET
Well, find them catch them.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship for light speed.
DARK HELMET
No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
COL SANDURZ
Light speed, too slow?
DARK HELMET
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
ALL gasp.
COL SANDURZ(gasp)
Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.
DARK HELMET
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
COL SANDURZ(in high pitch)
Prepare ship, (back to normal) prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo....
DARK HELMET(takes the microphone)
Gimme that you petty excuse for an officer.
COL SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.
DARK HELMET
(in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed....
COL SANDURZ
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up.
DARK HELMET
Aah, buckle this. (into microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!
The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back.
DARK HELMET
Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
Spaceball 1 passes over them leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF
What the hell was that?
LONE STARR
Spaceball 1.
BARF
They've gone to plaid.
INT. SPACEBALL 1
SPACE
DARK HELMET
We passed them. Stop this thing.
COL SANDURZ
We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
DARK HELMET
Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Staaaaahhhhp!
COL SANDURZ pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop, never use." The ship stops and DARK HELMET goes flying into a panel.
COL SANDURZ(picks Helmet up)
Are you all right, sir?
DARK HELMET
Fine. How've you been?
COL SANDURZ
Fine, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good.
COL SANDURZ
It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
DARK HELMET
Yeah.
COL SANDURZ
What should we do now, sir?
DARK HELMET
Well, are we stopped?
COL SANDURZ
We're stopped, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.
COL SANDURZ
Very good, sir.
DARK HELMET
Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR
Take her out of hyperactive.
BARF
Takin' her out of hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrads, boss, we did it. They must of overshot us by a week and a half.
LONE STARR
(laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Druidia.
BARF
Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts shaking) Drui, ie, ie, ie.
LONE STARR
What's that?
BARF
I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power. Why? 'Cause we're outta gas.
LONE STARR
We must've burned it up in hyperactive.
BARF
I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in.
LONE STARR
Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading.
BARF
(prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come....
LONE STARR
Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, princess.
VESPA
No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly.
LONE STARR
Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.
MOON OF VEGA -
EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle 5 starts coming down on the sands of Vega.
INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY BARF is panicing.
BARF
Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up.
They crash on a sand dune.
VESPA gets up.
DOT
Where you going?
VESPA
I'm going to tell him off once and for all.
DOT
Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here.
LONE STARR
Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
DOT
Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute.
BARF
Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.
LONE STARR
I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all.
VESPA
Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly....
LONE STARR
Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....
VESPA
....bear-swilling, pigs.
LONE STARR
....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the back)
BARF
Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna leave a mark.
VESPA
Now listen you....
LONE STARR
You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.
VESPA
And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.
LONE STARR
You are royal pain in the....
BARF
Whoa, hold it, time.
LONE STARR and VESPA
What?
BARF
May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.
LONE STARR
He's right. Let's go.
VESPA
Wait. My things.
LONE STARR
Listen, you royal....
VESPA
Mmmm.
LONE STARR
....highness. Take only what need to survive.
BARF
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
DESERT - DAY
VESPA is walking down with an umbrella. DOT is following her with a cart. LONE STARR and BARF are following with a trunk.
DOT
Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.
BARF
Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything.
LONE STAR
All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down. What the hell's in this thing. LONE STARR opens the trunk and pulls out a huge hair dryer.
LONE STARR
What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
VESPA
It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it.
LONE STARR
Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it. (drops it in the sand)
VESPA
You pick that up.
LONE STAR
You pick that up.
VESPA
How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)
LONE STARR
Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her.
BARF
Oooooo.
LONE STAR
Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.
DOT
Uh-oh.
VESPA
That's it. You and your dog are f....
BARF
Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.
DOT
Come darling.
DOT and VESPA walk away pulling some luggage. LONE STARR and BARF walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer behind.
LONE STARR
See, it's lighter.
BARF
Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two or three of these.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE DARK HELMET, COL SANDURZ, and CORPORAL
are watching the radar.
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Have you found them yet?
CORPORAL
No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.
DARK HELMET
Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)
COL SANDURZ
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.
CORPORAL
Yes, sir.
CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall opens. He looks through the selections.
DARK HELMET
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
DARK HELMET
(lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.
COL SANDURZ
That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.
DARK HELMET
There has?
COL SANDURZ
Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the
movie is finished.
DARK HELMET
Naaaaa.
CORPORAL
Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.
COL SANDURZ
Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
CORPORAL
starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning.
COL SANDURZ
Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Preparing to fast-forward.
COL SANDURZ
Fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Fast-forwarding, sir.
He Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet
is thrown into the panel at a high-speed.
DARK HELMET
Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.
COL SANDURZ
Try here. Stop.
The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually
happening now. DARK HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor.
COL SANDURZ looks at the camera when DARK HELMET looks back at the monitor, then he
looks back at the monitor. DARK HELMET looks at the camera when COL SANDURZ looks back
at the monitor. When DARK HELMET turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to
the camera.
DARK HELMET
What the hell am I looking at? When does this
happen in the movie?
COL SANDURZ
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
DARK HELMET
What happened to then?
COL SANDURZ
We passed then?
DARK HELMET
When?
COL SANDURZ
Just now. We're at now, now.
DARK HELMET
Go back to then.
COL SANDURZ
When?
DARK HELMET
Now.
COL SANDURZ
Now?
DARK HELMET
Now.
COL SANDURZ
I can't.
DARK HELMET
Why?
COL SANDURZ
We missed it.
DARK HELMET
When?
COL SANDURZ
Just now.
DARK HELMET
When will then be now?
CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT are walking through the desert.
COL SANDURZ
Soon.
DARK HELMET
How soon?
CORPORAL
Sir.
DARK HELMET
What?
CORPORAL
We've identified their location.
DARK HELMET
Where?
CORPORAL
It's the Moon of Vega.
COL SANDURZ
Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.
DARK HELMET
When?
CORPORAL
Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
COL SANDURZ
By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
DARK HELMET
Hoooooo. (mask falls down)
DESERT - NIGHT
DOT is sleeping with a light going that says, "Sleep Mode." VESPA is cold and trying to keep warm. LONE STAR offers her his coat.
VESPA
No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
LONE STARR
Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her)
VESPA
If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the coat) Won't you be cold?
LONE STARR
Na, cold never bothers me.
VESPA
I can't seem to find Druidia.
LONE STARR
It's right there.
VESPA
Where?
LONE STARR
Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright, blue one, right there. See?
VESPA
Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.
LONE STARR
Don't worry. I'll get ya there.
VESPA
Which one's yours?
LONE STARR
Who knows.
VESPA
You don't know where your from?
LONE STARR
Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
VESPA
Monastery? Where?
LONE STARR
Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
VESPA
Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents?
LONE STARR
They couldn't. They took a vowel of silence. All I got was this.
He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of writing.
LONE STARR
It was around my neck.
VESPA
What is it?
LONE STARR
I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it means.
VESPA
It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.
LONE STAR puts the medallion back in his shirt.
LONE STARR
So, how come you ran away from your wedding?
VESPA
Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.
LONE STARR
Why were you gonna marry him?
VESPA
Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince.
LONE STAR
Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?
VESPA
No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
LONE STARR
You're probably right.
VESPA
I know, now, that I must live without love.
LONE STARR
I guess so.
VESPA
Besides, love isn't that important.
LONE STARR
Naaa, never was.
VESPA
I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love. (looks at him)
LONE STARR
Sure you could.
VESPA
Without physical contact.
LONE STARR
Yeah.
VESPA
Without being held. (moves closer to him)
LONE STARR
Yeah. (moves in closer)
VESPA
Or kissed.
VESPA and LONE STARR are about to kiss when an alarm starts going off. DOT'S Virgin Alarm is going off.
BARF
(wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and mogs first.
DOT walks over to VESPA and LONE STARR
.
DOT
We'll have none of that, mister. (to VESPA) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch?
VESPA
Nothing happened.
LONE STARR
What the hell was that noise?
DOT
That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before
you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....
LONE STAR
All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta get moving
before dawn.
BARF
Why so early?
LONE STARR
Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
BARF'S VOICE
Nice dissolve.
DESERT - MORNING
LONE STARR is walking, followed by BARF, DOT, then VESPA. They are all getting tired.
LONE STARR
Water, water.
BARF
(panting) Water.
DOT
Oil, oil.
VEPSA
Room service, room service.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
DESERT - DAY
LONE STARR is carrying VESPA. BARF is carrying DOT. VESPA and DOT are asleep. BARF and LONE STARR are really tired.
BARF
I can't, I can't, I can't go, I
can't go any further. I can't go any further.
LONE STARR
Just one more dune to go.
BARF
Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down)
LONE STARR
Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding. (drops VESPA then falls down)
The DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people with gold-brownish skin.
The DINKS
(sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink....
The DINKS see LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT lying on the ground. They go to their aid.
HEAD DINK
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
The DINKS split up and start giving water and oil to VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT
HEAD DINK (with Barf)
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF'S TAIL starts wagging.
HEAD DINK (with Barf)
Dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF
Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water)
LONE STARR
Thank you.
HEAD DINK (with Barf)
Dink, dink, dink.
LONE STARR
Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, and BARF are being led by the DINKS to somewhere.
The DINKS
(sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
DARK HELMET'S CRUISER - DAY
DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are in a cruiser. DARK HELMET is standing up, looking though binoculars. He has different type of uniform with a different type of helmet.
DARK HELMET
(mask on) I don't see them, Sandurz.
COL SANDURZ
I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good. Let's get moving.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
Driver, prepare to move out.
DARK HELMET
What are you preparing. You're always
preparing. Just go!
COL SANDURZ
Just go.
DRIVER
Yes, sir.
COL SANDURZ
Sir, shouldn't you sit down.
The cruiser takes off, and DARK HELMET is thrown in his seat.
EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The DINKS are opening a secret door in the sand, and lead LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT inside. They walk down a set of stairs.
INT. TEMPLE - DAY
The DINKS
Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
BARF
What are they sayin'?
VESPA
Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.
They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end.
VESPA
What is this place?
BARF
It looks like the Temple of Doom.
DOT
Sure ain't Temple Bethresel.
LONE STARR
C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.
Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue.
BARF
Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.
DOT
Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door) Let me know how it turns out.
VESPA
Comeback here
DOT
We need you.
LONE STARR
C'mon, we gotta keep going.
VESPA
What's gonna happen now?
LONE STARR
Don't ask, maybe it won't.
BARF
Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here....
Fire comes out of the statue's eyes.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
Wow!
YOGURT'S VOICE
Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
Yogurt?
The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall comes out.
YOGURT
You heard of me?
LONE STARR
Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?
VESPA
Yogurt, the wise.
DOT
Yogurt, the all powerful.
BARF
Yogurt, the magnificent.
YOGURT
Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.
LONE STARR
But you're the one....
YOGURT
Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as....
BARF
The force?
YOGURT
No. The Schwartz.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
Schwartz?
YOGURT
Yes. The Schwartz.
He holds his Schwartz ring. His is different than the ring DARK HELMET has.
LONE STARR
But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do here?
YOGURT
Merchandising.
BARF
Merchandising? What's that?
YOGURT
Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.
DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of "Spaceballs - The Movie" merchandise.
YOGURT
Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on)
DINKS
Ooooooo.
YOGURT
The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)
YOGURT
DOLL May the Schwartz be with you.
DINKS
giggle.
YOGURT
Adorable.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BEDROOM -
NIGHT MARLENE & CHARLENE are in Skroob's bed. SKROOB is under
"Spaceballs - the Sheet" fondling the twins. MARLENE
& CHARLENE Wew, wew, wew, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ohh,
weeew....
COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
President Skroob.
MARLENE & CHARLENE hide under the sheet. SKROOB comes out from under the sheet. He is holding a book upside-down.
SKROOB
What is it?
COMMANDERETTE
I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.
SKROOB
Where?
COMMANDERETTE
Somewhere on the sands of Vega.
SKROOB
Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.
COMMANDERETTE
Yes, sir.
MOON OF VEGA - DESERT - DAY
Six guards are moving large combs across the desert. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are in the cruiser.
COL SANDURZ
Sir.
DARK HELMET
(mask off; in bullhorn) What?
COL SANDURZ
Are we being too literal.
DARK HELMET
(in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.
DARK HELMET
puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the troopers.
DARK HELMET
(shouts) Found anything yet?
TROOPER WITH COMB
Nothing yet, sir.
DARK HELMET
(shouts) How about you?
TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB
Not a thing, sir.
DARK HELMET
(shouts) What about you guys?
TROOPER WITH MINI COMB
We ain't found shit.
INT. TEMPLE - DAY
YOGURT and LONE STARR are standing in front the big statue. LONE STAR is showing YOGURT his medallion.
LONE STARR
It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what it means.
YOGURT
Wise men, pa
sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know. Here, let me take a look. (he
takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck.
LONE STAR
You can read it?
YOGURT
No, I was just clearing my throat.
Here, let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of
course.
LONE STARR
You understand it?
YOGURT
Yes.
LONE STAR
What's it say?
YOGURT
I cannot tell you that now. It will
be revealed to you at the proper time.
LONE STARR
Great. (puts the
medallion back in his shirt)
YOGURT
C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back
to your Schwartz training. Here, take the ring. Point it at that big
statue.
LONE STARR
(puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't
understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this
little ring.
YOGURT
Never underestimate the power of the
Schwartz.
LONE STARR points the ring to statue.
YOGURT
C'mon, concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh.
The statue starts lifting off the ground.
YOGURT
LONE STARR, you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs)
LONE STARR
I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working.
BARF
walks by the statue and puts his foot
under it.
BARF
Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
LONE STARR
puts
the ring down. The statue falls on Barf's toe.
BARF
Whaoooooooooooooo!
Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo. . . .
YOGURT
Gimme the ring.
Gimmie the ring.
YOGURT takes the ring from LONE STARR. He points it at the big statue. YOGURT Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy. The statue lifts up, and
BARF lifts his foot out. It is big and flat.
BARF
Owwwwwww, ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo....
LONE STARR
Sorry, Barf.
BARF
(growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo.
EXT. TEMPLE -
NIGHT DARK HELMET is standing next to the secret door. He can't see because it is
covered in sand. COL SANDURZ
is telling the troops what to do.
COL SANDURZ
Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use use, sir. We've searched
everywhere.
DARK HELMET
(mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of the
Schwartz.
COL SANDURZ
The Schwartz?
DARK HELMET
Yes. It's coming.... (gets his ring out of his pocket and puts it on)
COL SANDURZ
covers his crotch.
DARK HELMET
....from somewhere down....there.
COL SANDURZ
(bushes
away the sand) You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at
this insignia, it's a Y.
DARK HELMET
Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even
with strawberries.
COL SANDURZ
I'll call the attack squad,
sir.
DARK HELMET
No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's
far too powerful.
COL SANDURZ
But, sir, your ring. Don't you have
the Schwartz, too?
DARK HELMET
No, he got the up-side. I got the
down-side. You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz.
COL SANDURZ
Well,
how are we gonna go in there and get her?
DARK HELMET
(flips his mask on)
We will not go in there. She will come out to us. (holds up his
ring)
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
VESPA is sleeping in a bed surrounded by candles. DOT is in Sleep Mode.VESPA, VESPA, my child. Where are you?
VESPA
(wakes up) Daddy?
ROLAND'S VOICE
VESPA, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.
VESPA
Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts walking out the door)
ROLAND'S VOICE
Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.
DOT
(wakes up) VESPA, where are you going?
EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
ROLAND is standing outside in the desert.
ROLAND'S VOICE
VESPA, come to me.
VESPA
(opens the door and walks on the desert toward Roland) Daddy, is it really you?
ROLAND'S VOICE
Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?
VESPA
Daddy.
DOT walks out and turns on the Supervision Mode.
DOT
Oh, VESPA, don't.
When VESPA reaches to hug ROLAND, he turns into DARK HELMET.
VESPA
Ah! Ohhhhh. (faints and falls into Helmet's arms)
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A guard covers DOT's eyes and she shuts down. DARK HELMET Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands her to Sandurz)
COL SANDURZ
Yes sir. (walks off screen with VESPA)
DARK HELMET
Now she is mine.
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF come from their room. The DINKS are dinking "They've taken the princess."
LONE STARR
What are they sayin'?
YOGURT
They've taken the princess.
LONE STARR and BARF run outside.
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT
Spaceball 1 takes off toward space.
LONE STARR and BARF just now get out the door.
LONE STARR
Spaceballs, too late.
BARF
Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
DESERT - EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are getting ready to leave.
LONE STARR
Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
YOGURT
You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at LONE STARR) Just encase you get hungry.
LONE STARR
(catches it) A fortune cookie?
YOGURT
Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.
LONE STAR
Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we ever see each
other again.
YOGURT
Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye LONE STARR.
LONE STAR
Good-bye, Yogurt.
LONE STARR and YOGURT shake hands. When LONE STAR pulls his hand back, he pulls back the ring.
LONE STARR
The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this.
YOGURT
Take it. Take it. You might need it.
LONE STARR
Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck. DINKS Dink, dink.
LONE STARR climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up and takes off toward space.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - DARK HELMET'S ROOM - SPACE
DARK HELMET is apparently talking to VESPA.
DARK HELMET
(mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess VESPA. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.
He is playing with dolls.
DARK HELMET
(imitating VESPA ) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating LONE STARR) Not so fast, Helmet.
(mask down voice) LONE STARR (imitating LONE STARR) Yes, it's me. I'm here
to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die.
(imitating LONE STARR) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Barf) Hey, what did you do
to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big
boy. (imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating
DOT) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess VESPA, at last we are alone.
(imitating VESPA) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me
alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course
you do. Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I
have both, and you know it. (imitating VESPA) No, leave me alone. (mask down
voice) No, kiss me. (imitating VESPA) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh,
oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big.
COL SANDURZ
opens the door behind him.
COL SANDURZ
Lord Helmet.
DARK HELMET
(holds all the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?
COL SANDURZ
You're needed on the bridge, sir.
DARK HELMET
Knock on my door. Knock next time.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
DARK HELMET
Did you see anything?
COL SANDURZ
No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
DARK HELMET
Good.
PLANET SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
SKROOB is standing in front of the toilet. He is peeing. His back is to the camera. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of him.
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob.
SKROOB
(covers crotch) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.
COMMANDERETTE
Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent. Princess VESPA has just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there.
SKROOB
All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there.
COMMANDERETTE
Yes, sir. (salutes)
SKROOB returns salute. He realizes he uncovered his
crotch. He covers it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off the
wall. SKROOB flushes the toilet and walks out.
INT. SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT
DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are talking to ROLAND on the screen. Behind them is VESPA on a table turned vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and ARNOLD.
ROLAND
Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.
SCHLOTKINS Your
highness.
ROLAND
Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It was a sweet- 16 present.
DARK HELMET
No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose.
VESPA
Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you get that?
ROLAND
All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
VESPA
No, daddy, no. You mustn't.
ROLAND
You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what.
DARK HELMET
Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.
SCHLOTKINS Your
My pleasure.
The table turns horizontal. VESPA
faints.
ROLAND
No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.
DARK HELMET
I knew it would work.
DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ go closer to the screen. COL SANDURZ is going to write the combination down.
DARK HELMET
All right, give to me.
ROLAND
The combination is (hesitates) one.
DARK HELMET
One.
COL SANDURZ
One. (writes)
ROLAND
Two.
DARK HELMET
Two.
COL SANDURZ
Two. (writes)
ROLAND
Three.
DARK HELMET
Three.
COL SANDURZ
Three (writes)
ROLAND
Four.
DARK HELMET
Four.
COL SANDURZ
Four. (writes)
ROLAND
(hesitates) Five.
DARK HELMET
Five.
COL SANDURZ
Five. (writes)
DARK HELMET
So the combination is one, two, three, four,
five. (lifts mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my
life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
COL SANDURZ
Thank you, your highness.
COL SANDURZ takes a remote out of his pocket, points it at the wall, and hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall, he turned off the whole movie. A blank screen appears. GRETCHEN is making sensual noises.
DARK HELMET
What'd you do?
COL SANDURZ
I turned off the wall.
DARK HELMET
No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.
COL SANDURZ
Well I must have pressed the wrong button.
DARK HELMET
Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
The screen comes back on.
DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are standing in front. SCHLOTKINS is kissing on GRETCHEN'S breasts. She is still making sensual noises.
DARK HELMET
We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination. Schlotkins.
SCHLOTKINS
(turns around) What?
GRETCHEN zips up her dress.
DARK HELMET
We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work
on your puts.
SCHLOTKINS
Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this.
SCHLOTKINS, ARNOLD, and GRETCHEN walk out the door. GRETCHEN looks at DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ before she walks out.
DARK HELMET
I bet she gives great helmet.
SKROOB walks in.
SKROOB
Well, did it work? Where's the king?
DARK HELMET
It worked, sir. We have the combination.
SKROOB
Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?
COL SANDURZ
One, two, three, four, five.
SKROOB
One, two, three, four, five?
COL SANDURZ
That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage. Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET start walking out the door.
SKROOB
And change the combination on my luggage.
DARK HELMET
walks through the door. The door closes on him.
DARK HELMET
Aaaaaa.
PLANET SPACEBALL - INT. EAGLE 5 - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF are in the front. LONE STARR is driving.
BARF
There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
LONE STARR
Good. I'm takin' her in.
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON BALL - NIGHT
EAGLE 5 lands on the road. It is a no parking zone. Two DOOR GUARDS are standing at the door.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
What the hell is that thing?
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
It looks like a Winnebago
with wings.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
Gees. Hey you can't park
here.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.
BARF opens the door and flips them off. He also makes kissing noises. BARF >is hinting they're lovers.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
That
son of a.... (cocks gun)
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and CHUBBY DOOR GUARD go to the door that BARF went back in.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
Yeah.
They walk in. The EAGLE 5 starts rocking back and forth.
The guards are shouting. Afterwards, LONE STARR comes out in the SLENDER DOOR GUARD'S uniform.
BARF comes out in the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD'S uniform. His tail is sticking out the back of the pants.
They walk to the door. LONE STARR unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They walk in.
INT. PRISON DOME - FRONT HALL - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF walk down a hall. They notice a PRISON GUARD walking down the hall towards them.
LONE STARR and BARF stand against the wall. The PRISON GUARD walks past them. LONE STARR and BARF start walking the way they were going.
The PRISON GUARD looks back at them. He notices BARF'S TAIL. He looks forward again.
PRISON GUARD
Nah.
INT. PRISON DOME - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It says, "ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY."
LONE STARR
She's gotta be in one of these cells.
BARF
Yeah, but which one.
They search in each door. They open the eye slot on each door they look through.
BARF
No.
LONE STARR
No.
VESPA
(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows....
LONE STARR
It's coming from there.
BARF
That can't be her.
LONE STARR and BARF walk towards the cell
VESPA'S singing is coming from.
VESPA
(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble I've seen.
LONE STARR opens the eye slot. He finds VESPA inside. DOT is sleeping next to her.
VESPA
(sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but Jesus.
LONE STARR
It's her.
BARF
looks in.
VESPA
(sings in deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
BARF
She's a bass.
VESPA
(sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.
LONE STARR opens the door with the key he used to open the front door. He and BARF walk in. The door closes on BARF'S TAIL.
BARF
Hieee.
VESPA
What do you what? DOT wakes up.
LONE STARR
(takes off helmet) It's me.
BARF
(takes off helmet) It's us.
VESPA
Lone Starr. How'd you find us?
LONE STARR
No time to talk. C'mon.
BARF
We gotta move.
DOT
Barf. How'd you do it?
LONE STARR pulls VESPA out of the cell. BARF follows with DOT . They sneak out of the hall.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRISON DOME - INNER HALLS - NIGHT
LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT start to run for the front door. LONE STARR stops.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD(O.S)
Freeze!
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD are standing in the hall with their guns. They are in their underwear.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
Those are the guys that stole our uniforms. (cocks gun)
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD(O.S)
And beat the shit out of us, too. (cocks gun)
LONE STARR cocks his gun. He fires it at the door guards. The door guards run off. Laser blasts come from another hall.
LONE STARR
Ah-oh, we got company.
LONE STARR kneels down and crawls over to the opposite wall. VESPA , BARF, and DOT follow. LONE STARR and BARF fire at the troopers that are firing at them.
BARF
Dammit. That's our only way out.
VESPA
We're trapped!
DOT
Oh, I hate these movies.
LONE STARR and BARF keep firing at the troopers. BARF throws his gun down.
BARF
I'm outta ammo.
LONE STARR
Get back. I'll hold'em off.
LONE STARR and the TROOPERS keep firing at each other.
BARF
I got an idea.
BARF walks over to a quad-pipe loop. LONE STARR stops firing and stands up.
LONE STARR
What are you doing?
BARF starts to pull out the pipes.
DOT
What's he doing?
BARF pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it to the hallway where the firing is coming from. He faces the openings to the TROOPERS. The TROOPERS fire at BARF. The shots go into the pipes. They enter the top and exit the bottom. All the shots hit each TROOPER. When each TROOPER is hit, they fall down.
LONE STARR
Good work.
Laser blasts come out of another hall.
LONE STARR
Ah-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.
BARF
Let's go.
BARF starts running down a hall. LONE STARR starts running. VESPA and DOT start running.
VESPA
It's closing.
A door in front of them starts closing vertically.
VESPA
The door is closing.
LONE STAR
Go for the door.
LONE STARR, BARF, DOT, and VESPA jump through the door just before it closes.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
TROOPERS come in through another door. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT start to get up.
TROOPER
Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up! Captain, we've got them!
The CAPTAIN walks in behind them.
CAPTAIN
Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for not. Turn around please.
The stunt doubles of LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
CAPTAIN
Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....
The CAPTAIN looks at VESPA with his mouth open. VESPA'S stunt double is a man with a cigar in his mouth.
CAPTAIN
You idiots! These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON DOME - NIGHT
The real BARF,
LONE STARR, VESPA, and DOT come out of the PRISON DOME.
LONE STARR is firing at the TROOPERS that follows them out the door. A laser blast hits the lock on a door of the EAGLE 5.
BARF runs over to the that door. He tries to open it.
VESPA
Open the door.
BARF
I can't. It's fused.
VESPA
Well, what about this one? (pulls on another door)
BARF
It's locked.
VESPA
Well, where are the keys?
BARF
Inside.
VESPA
Oh, great!
LONE STARR
Duck!
BARF, DOT, and VESPA lean against the EAGLE 5. LONE STARR runs back towards the door that's fused. He hands his gun to VESPA.
LONE STAR
Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
VESPA
I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns.
A TROOPER fires at VESPA'S hair. The laser blast hits it.
DOT
Ah.
VESPA
My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch. (cocks gun)
VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She starts firing at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR look up.
BARF
Holy shit.
VESPA
(blows the barrel) How was that.
LONE STARR
Not bad.
BARF
Not bad for a girl.
DOT
Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
VESPA
Let's blow this joint.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
There are foot steps running somewhere on the ship.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
SKROOB is running down the ship towards DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ.
VOICE(O.S.)
President Skroob. Salute.
ALL Hail Skroob. (salute)
SKROOB (stops running)
The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie would be over.
Sir?
SKROOB
Yes, uuh.
SKROOB looks at DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET'S mask is down.
SKROOB
Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there.
DARK HELMET lifts up his mask. He sticks his tongue out at SKROOB.
COL SANDURZ
President Skroob
SKROOB Yes.
DARK HELMET puts his tongue back in his mouth.
COL SANDURZ
There it is: Planet Druidia.
SKROOB Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh
air.
(mask up; to Sandurz) The way he runs things, it last a hundred.
SKROOB
What?
DARK HELMET shrugs.
COL SANDURZ
We're beginning metamorphosis, sir.
SKROOB Good. Get on with it.
Ready, Kafka?
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT are sitting up front. LONE STARR is driving.
LONE STARR
Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached the air shield.
DOT
And it's opening.
BARF
How they gonna get the air out? I don't see any hoses or anything.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA
SPACE SPACEBALL 1 begins to move. It starts to change form.
VESPA
(O.S.) What's happening? The ship it's changing.
SPACEBALL 1 keeps on changing. Arms start to grow out of the side. The rockets turn into feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACEOh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a transformer.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT DRUIDIA - SPACE
The front of the ship starts to turn over.
DOT
(O.S.) It's changing into....
BARF(O.S.)
....a gigantic....
The front turns over to reveal a head similar the Statue of Liberty's head. SPACEBALL 1 has changed into a Statue of Liberty with a maid's outfit and a vacuum cleaner.
VESPA (O.S.)
....maid.
LONE STARR (O.S.)
With a vacuum cleaner.
BARF (O.S.)
So that's how they're gonna to get the air out.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
The front of the ship is almost the same, except for the escape pods at the top.
COL SANDURZ
Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball 1 has now become.... (looks at the
timpanist) The TIMPANIST plays a sort of fanfare on the timpani.
COL SANDURZ
....Mega Maid.
DARK HELMET
(mask up) Good.
SKROOB Remarkable.
Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck.
A finger flips a switch on the vacuum to "ON." The vacuum starts up.
The vacuum sucks up snow off of a mountain. It sucks up trees out of a forest.
Suck. Suck. Suck.
ROLAND is looking at a picture of VESPA. He is having trouble breathing.
Goodbye, little VESPA. My little baby, VESPA. (faints)
The air bag, it's almost full.
We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet; step 2, we destroy that thing.
(O.S.) C'mon
Schwartz.
INT. MEGA MAID
- SPACE